HOQUIAM, Wash. (AP) – Police say a man was carrying a dead weasel when he burst into an apartment and assaulted a man in Washington state.

The victim asked, “Why are you carrying a weasel?” Police said the attacker answered, “It’s not a weasel, it’s a marten,” then punched him in the nose and fled.

The attacker was apparently looking for his girlfriend and had gone to her former boyfriend’s apartment Monday where the victim was a guest.

KXRO reports he left the carcass behind.

Police later found the 33-year-old Hoquiam man arguing with his girlfriend at another location and arrested him after a fight.

He said he had found the marten dead near Hoquiam, but police don’t know why he carried it with him.

A marten is a member of the weasel family.

source: Man carrying dead weasel accused of assault

Martin Erzinger, Morgan Stanley Douchebag, Won’t Be Charged for Felony Hit-and-Run to Save His Job

Here’s a case out of Colorado that will surely confirm your suspicions that American justice isn’t blind; it’s purchased. On July 3, Dr. Steven Milo was biking along a highway near Eagle, Colorado. That’s when he was hit from behind by a black Mercedes Benz. He was hurled into a ditch, where he suffered massive injuries. But the Mercedes bolted from the scene.

Now it just so happens that the driver was Martin Erzinger, a bigshot at Morgan Stanley’s Denver office who oversees a rich folks’ investment fund worth a whopping $1 billion. He drove to the town of Avon, where he never bothered to call the cops. Instead, he called Mercedes roadside assistance asking for a tow……

He was originally charged with a felony for causing serious bodily injury. After all, if another motorist hadn’t stopped to help, Erzinger may well have left the doctor for dead……

But instead of lighting Erzinger up as the callous piece of shit he is, District Attorney Mark Hurlbert has agreed to plea it down to a misdemeanor case. As a financial adviser, Erzinger would have to inform investors of his felony conviction within 30 days, perhaps causing jeopardy to his job, says Hurlbert.

“Felony convictions have some pretty serious job implications for someone in Mr. Erzinger’s profession, and that entered into it,” the DA confessed to Vail Daily. “When you’re talking about restitution, you don’t want to take away his ability to pay.”

WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!?!?!?!?

No Shame? Killer Cop Wants Workers’ Comp

An Illinois state trooper who killed two teenage sisters in a high-speed collision, driving 126 mph while sending e-mails and speaking to his girlfriend on his cell phone, has filed a workers’ compensation claim for injuries he says he sustained in the fatal crash…

Matt Mitchell, who pleaded guilty to reckless homicide and reckless driving, could have thousands of taxpayer dollars coming to him…

For two years after the accident, Mitchell was placed on paid leave, continuing to earn his $68,000 annual salary. Mitchell pleaded guilty last year as part of a deal with prosecutors and served 90 days probation, never seeing any jail time….

Sheepskin Factory Fire Suspect Faces Utah Charges

The man charged in the Sheepskin Factory arson in Glendale now faces similar charges in Utah.

Walter Bond has been indicted by a federal grand jury in Salt Lake City in connection with two arson cases there. One was at a Tandy Leather Factory store and the other at a restaurant that served goose liver.

LINCOLN, Neb. –Police said a 24-year-old Lincoln man is missing a chunk of his right ear that was bitten off by a woman who didn’t like being called “fat.”

apparently this fight all started because the armless, legless broad was cheating on him…how the fuck did she manage to find TWO dudes willing to fuck her? wtf

Bell was in no position to defend herself, being that both hands and both legs were amputated due to a childhood illness. But Smith says don’t let that fool you–Bell is like a handless, legless Ultimate Fighter.

“She’ll swing, push me down and choke me with her nubs,” Smith told the Pioneer Press.

(CNN) — A Pennsylvania man attempted to resuscitate “a road-killed opossum,” state police say.

But this was one possum who wasn’t playing possum — the ugly creature remained dead.

Troopers responding to the scene in Oliver Township on Thursday determined that Donald J. Wolfe, 55, of Brookville, was drunk, according to the police report.

Several witnesses observed Wolfe’s failed resurrection of the flattened marsupial, police said. It was not immediately clear how he endeavored to restore the possum’s life.

The arresting officer in the incident was unavailable for comment Friday. Attempts to reach Wolfe were also unsuccessful.

Wolfe will be charged with one charge of public drunkenness, police said.

Nobody parties like Steven Kelsey Jr., and for this we should all be most grateful.

Kelsey will spend the rest of his life in prison, with no possibility of parole.

Highland man guilty of first-degree murder, felony murder

Jesika Kelsey Killed By Brother